An internet friend of mine has an online tarot reading thing going on right now. I've always been interested in having a reading done, but wasn't sure how one would go over the 'net. She does just mini-readings for free but here's my results.

The Nine of Cups appears in the reversed position which suggests that you're losing your grip on a connection that was once close to your heart. You're wondering how much influence you have over the people around you and feel as though you've been ignored or taken for granted to an extent. This card suggests that you're emotionally intelligent and that you have a lot to give when it comes to friends and family. You're often thought of as a supportive person with a lot of time and energy to motivate and nurture people when needed. The negativity you're currently grappling with is mainly your inner suspicion that you're not getting as much as you're giving. You want to keep things ticking over and don't like the idea of rocking the boat by voicing your feelings, however you know you can't continue with the status quo and want to at least try to change things for the better. You have the necessary wisdom to deal with your problems effectively without causing too much destruction. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

It's so spot on to how I've been feeling lately that I don't even know what to say.

After seeing how correct it is, I'm going to ask her to do a love reading in a week or so.

I have to see what's going to turn up for love, what advice I can get and where to go with how I'm feeling.

here's to the nights we felt alive.

cleaning my room. ran across the box that has all the stuff from when we dated. cards, letters, pictures. could i just shove it back to the bottom of the pile and pretend it wasn’t there? nope. and now i’m sitting in my bed sobbing. i feel like my heart breaks all over again every time i remember what i threw away.

i tried to explain to a friend last night that i still completely and will always know that you were the one i was supposed to marry. maybe there is someone else out there for both of us, but it's only ever going to be you that i want.

i just want to know when i’m going to be over this.
but at the same time, i’ve never wanted to be over you.
how can i move on if my heart won’t let you go?

shutting down my life and mind

I could reach out.

I could text. Email.

I could step to it and knock.

Instead I choose to shut down.

To stop talking.

To stop really living.

Work. Home. Don't think. Sleep.

Every day.

Only eating when other people are around so they don't worry.

Because I'm not hungry, ever.

My appetite is completely gone.

No hunger pangs even.

That's how I know this winter it's going to be bad.

Talking only to mom and Chris.

Everyone else challenges me.

Makes me step outside

and put on a happy face

and actually go out.

It's so much easier if I pretend nobody cares

and everyone hates me.

Especially you and that's why I shut down and can't talk.

It's getting/gotten so much worse.

And I think the part that's gotten the hardest

is that I miss K so much.

I hate when these things happen between us

and we fall out of touch.

Because she knows me so much more than I know myself.

We've always said "other half" and it's been so true and always will be, no matter what happens. She's always been a part of my soul, a piece of my heart.

And I wish so much to call her, to text and say

Hey I'm going to be in the cities this weekend.

Dead Like Me and junk food marathon?

But I don't know how it would be received.

I don't know where I start.

But I feel like I'm missing a piece of myself without her.

i love that i write here still.

considering no one gives a fuck.

just like with everything else

involving me.

I’m convincing myself I’m nauseous and therefore can’t eat because I’ll throw up at work. I’m chewing and spitting. I’ve got so much thinspo on my phone it’s not even funny. I’m planning meals and workouts every single morning. Going to the gym and then working out more at home.

I’m so mad at myself. I said I was going to do this HEALTHY.
there is nothing healthy about what I’m doing.
I know I need help before this goes too far again but I’m still too fat.

Why is it impossible for me to find balance with anything in my life?

I am so sick

of how utterly boring my life has gotten.

I leave the house to work and that's it.

I do nothing with my friends

and I don't believe that any one of them is terribly upset by that fact.

I am disgustingly large and out of shape.

My life is boring and uninteresting.

I would do anything to have people miss me and care about me like they used to.

I can feel myself getting ready to fall back to old habits.

And I am not concerned at all.

last week, I wrote to my friend:

talked to my sister today about looking into finding a therapist to get an actual diagnosis and better meds.
I'm just so torn because what will I talk about? It's not like I've ever had any huge traumatic things happen.
She said to me "Vicki, people don't cut themselves because nothing's wrong."
I guess she has a point. I don't want to mask this forever. I want to figure out how to make it stop.

I still haven't any steps to right my life.

I haven't made any phone calls.

I have become entirely too complacent with how shitty my life is.