I’m convincing myself I’m nauseous and therefore can’t eat because I’ll throw up at work. I’m chewing and spitting. I’ve got so much thinspo on my phone it’s not even funny. I’m planning meals and workouts every single morning. Going to the gym and then working out more at home.

I’m so mad at myself. I said I was going to do this HEALTHY.
there is nothing healthy about what I’m doing.
I know I need help before this goes too far again but I’m still too fat.

Why is it impossible for me to find balance with anything in my life?

I am so sick

of how utterly boring my life has gotten.

I leave the house to work and that's it.

I do nothing with my friends

and I don't believe that any one of them is terribly upset by that fact.

I am disgustingly large and out of shape.

My life is boring and uninteresting.

I would do anything to have people miss me and care about me like they used to.

I can feel myself getting ready to fall back to old habits.

And I am not concerned at all.

last week, I wrote to my friend:

talked to my sister today about looking into finding a therapist to get an actual diagnosis and better meds.
I'm just so torn because what will I talk about? It's not like I've ever had any huge traumatic things happen.
She said to me "Vicki, people don't cut themselves because nothing's wrong."
I guess she has a point. I don't want to mask this forever. I want to figure out how to make it stop.

I still haven't any steps to right my life.

I haven't made any phone calls.

I have become entirely too complacent with how shitty my life is.

what is so wrong with me?

i just want to be

thought about

read to

sung to

treated

held

cared for

caressed

for fuck's sake

i just want to be

loved

i am falling

and i don't think

that i care to be stopped.

I don't know what's been going on with me.

I don't know how I got back here, to this place.

Where everything in life gets to me

except for what matters.

Where I go into the bathroom at work

multiple times during the day

to cry and cry and cry

without know the reason.

How did I get back here?
To the place where I go to sleep every night

hoping to not see the sun the next morning?

And how do I get away from it?

I got in a fight with Poppa today. He was passing through and said something to Abbie about how she was putting the recycling straight in the box so she could fit more in there. I was joking around and messed up all the papers so they were going all different directions. He didn't think it was funny apparently because he grabbed the box, dumped all the papers on me, threw the box at me and said "now pick it all up and do it right" and went out to the garage. I seriously didn't know what to say because he hasn't acted like that towards me for so long. I started to pick them up and turned to my sister and said No way am I letting him get away with that. I went out to the garage and said "Seriously, what the fuck is your problem? It was a joke!" And then I started sobbing because we've had such a great relationship for the past few years and I just didn't know how to handle him reacting to me like that.

He could see how much he'd upset and my dropped everything he was doing to come over and try to calm me down. He tried to hug me and I told him I didn't want to hug him or talk to him if he was going to act like that. He apologized and told me how he was just so tired. I can see it in his face, his eyes, the way he moves slowly the weekends when he's home. He's happy to be back at work but the things he has to do are so hard on his body. I worry so much, every single day, that all this hard work is going to take it's final toll on him and that'll be the end. It terrifies every little bit of me, down to the core.