Sunday, February 22, 2009

i am too broken to live, too sad to die.

Last Tuesday,
my grandmother
came to me in a dream.
we sat and chatted
over amaretto sours
for ages and ages
before she asked me to pass
on a message.

tell him it's ok to go,
that you'll not be mad,
and that i miss him

On Thursday the 19th of February
I found out that my Grandfather was dying.
They didn't think he'd make it more than two weeks.

A day later, they said it
wouldn't be more than
two days.

I went to see him yesterday.
I've been trying to process
and figure out what I feel
and make it coherent,
but I am failing miserably.
So instead, I wrote this...

my grandfather
is (not yet 'was')
a terrible man.
when he'd come home
from work
at 3am
he'd wake the children up
and beat them
for all they did wrong
while he was away.

the resentment
and bitterness
and contempt for him
still flows heavy
and heated and thick
through the room
just like the air
at the nursing home.

there are pictures on
the walls,
of the children, relative
trees, fields, jesus
but not a single one
of the woman he was married
to for over 40 years.
they brought a tree in
so he could feel like
he was dying in the woods
like he always wanted
but there is nothing
absolutely nothing
there to remind him
of the woman he loved.

when i went to visit,
i wore her turquoise ring,
that large oblong set of
silver and the gorgeous color,
that she always wore.
he grabbed my hand and
ran his finger over
the ring.
there was something in his eyes
that moment,
a flicker a thought a feeling
that i still cannot quite grasp.
memories, sadness, heartache
they were there
but something more
much much stronger
was there behind all
the rest.

i want to feel all that he felt
that moment
when he saw the ring
and thought about her.
i want to to take his pain
take him somewhere
and wash it all away.
i wanted to be the one
soaking a sponge
in water so he could drink.
my grandfather like jesus,
strung up and laid out,
too weak to do anything
for himself.

he is dying for no one's sins
but his own.