Monday, November 28, 2011

An internet friend of mine has an online tarot reading thing going on right now. I've always been interested in having a reading done, but wasn't sure how one would go over the 'net. She does just mini-readings for free but here's my results.

The Nine of Cups appears in the reversed position which suggests that you're losing your grip on a connection that was once close to your heart. You're wondering how much influence you have over the people around you and feel as though you've been ignored or taken for granted to an extent. This card suggests that you're emotionally intelligent and that you have a lot to give when it comes to friends and family. You're often thought of as a supportive person with a lot of time and energy to motivate and nurture people when needed. The negativity you're currently grappling with is mainly your inner suspicion that you're not getting as much as you're giving. You want to keep things ticking over and don't like the idea of rocking the boat by voicing your feelings, however you know you can't continue with the status quo and want to at least try to change things for the better. You have the necessary wisdom to deal with your problems effectively without causing too much destruction. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

It's so spot on to how I've been feeling lately that I don't even know what to say.
After seeing how correct it is, I'm going to ask her to do a love reading in a week or so.
I have to see what's going to turn up for love, what advice I can get and where to go with how I'm feeling.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

here's to the nights we felt alive.

cleaning my room. ran across the box that has all the stuff from when we dated. cards, letters, pictures. could i just shove it back to the bottom of the pile and pretend it wasn’t there? nope. and now i’m sitting in my bed sobbing. i feel like my heart breaks all over again every time i remember what i threw away.

i tried to explain to a friend last night that i still completely and will always know that you were the one i was supposed to marry. maybe there is someone else out there for both of us, but it's only ever going to be you that i want.

i just want to know when i’m going to be over this.
but at the same time, i’ve never wanted to be over you.
how can i move on if my heart won’t let you go?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

shutting down my life and mind

I could reach out.
I could text. Email.
I could step to it and knock.

Instead I choose to shut down.
To stop talking.
To stop really living.

Work. Home. Don't think. Sleep.
Every day.

Only eating when other people are around so they don't worry.
Because I'm not hungry, ever.
My appetite is completely gone.
No hunger pangs even.
That's how I know this winter it's going to be bad.

Talking only to mom and Chris.

Everyone else challenges me.
Makes me step outside
and put on a happy face
and actually go out.

It's so much easier if I pretend nobody cares
and everyone hates me.
Especially you and that's why I shut down and can't talk.

It's getting/gotten so much worse.

And I think the part that's gotten the hardest
is that I miss K so much.
I hate when these things happen between us
and we fall out of touch.

Because she knows me so much more than I know myself.

We've always said "other half" and it's been so true and always will be, no matter what happens. She's always been a part of my soul, a piece of my heart.

And I wish so much to call her, to text and say
Hey I'm going to be in the cities this weekend.
Dead Like Me and junk food marathon?
But I don't know how it would be received.
I don't know where I start.

But I feel like I'm missing a piece of myself without her.