Tuesday, November 15, 2011

shutting down my life and mind

I could reach out.
I could text. Email.
I could step to it and knock.

Instead I choose to shut down.
To stop talking.
To stop really living.

Work. Home. Don't think. Sleep.
Every day.

Only eating when other people are around so they don't worry.
Because I'm not hungry, ever.
My appetite is completely gone.
No hunger pangs even.
That's how I know this winter it's going to be bad.

Talking only to mom and Chris.

Everyone else challenges me.
Makes me step outside
and put on a happy face
and actually go out.

It's so much easier if I pretend nobody cares
and everyone hates me.
Especially you and that's why I shut down and can't talk.

It's getting/gotten so much worse.

And I think the part that's gotten the hardest
is that I miss K so much.
I hate when these things happen between us
and we fall out of touch.

Because she knows me so much more than I know myself.

We've always said "other half" and it's been so true and always will be, no matter what happens. She's always been a part of my soul, a piece of my heart.

And I wish so much to call her, to text and say
Hey I'm going to be in the cities this weekend.
Dead Like Me and junk food marathon?
But I don't know how it would be received.
I don't know where I start.

But I feel like I'm missing a piece of myself without her.

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